Bad Days

And not the kind where a lot of bad things happen.

Have you ever had a day where all you want to do is alternate between curling up in a ball under your duvet and sobbing all day and rage and throw things?

A day where everything just seems too much for your frail shoulders?

Yeah, I had one of those days yesterday.

They come completely out of nowhere. One day I’m normal and stable, even. Then the next I have an overwhelming sense of dread and fear and I can’t cope with anything no matter how small. Then the next I’m normal again. It’s odd.

Yesterday, I felt overwhelmingly lonely and cried for a while when my boyfriend went to work (he works nights and went home after work last night).

The one thing I’ve noticed is that always, always, on a day like that is my hatred of living with my family always comes to the forefront. Every time, I vow I can’t live with them for much longer. He always points out that if I can do it until now I can do it for longer.

He says that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. But how does he know? He’s not in my head. He doesn’t feel the same things I do. I’m just a weak little girl who’s trying miserably to keep going despite the chains. Or at least it feels like chains. Maybe it’s a black hole reaching it’s tendrils for me.

I am in control of nothing in my life and it’s driving me to the edge. The constant noise of my house, the lack of food, the contant running out of basic things like washing powder, shampoo and toilet roll – they’re all taking their toll. I want to be able to take control of my life but how can I? The only job that I was offered in 7 months (and was also the only one that wanted to interview me) is a temporary christmas position.

I wanted to take control at 18. I’m 20 in a month.

Why do I keep being denied the one thing I want? It’s one simple thing. I don’t care what I have to give up, really. When am I going to get the opportunity?

No wonder I’m fucking depressed. How destructive is it to want something you can’t have again?


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Assentia said,

    I have such days increasingly often.

    Opportunity? Create it, or bust. You don’t get given anything, ever. Since you’re willing to give things up, well, go ahead and give up as necessary. Right now, you’re actually waiting for others to give you permission to change your life.

  2. 2

    daysocks said,

    If only that were the case. It’s impossible to do it without having a more permanent job. If no-one will give me that job (of which I am trying very hard to prove myself worthy of and have been for the last year and a half), I’m stuck. If it were a case of just going out and getting it I would have done so the day I left college.

  3. 3

    koshermuffin said,

    I know how it is to be stuck at home and be driven insane by parental units and I’m 21 and feel your pain. I’m finishing up college and going into the worst job market ever by the time I graduate. I’m just as scared as you are at being able to fend for myself.

    I hope everything works out for you. These are hard times all around.

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