Archive for sucktitude

Doctors or no doctors…

Recently, I’ve had the gnawing suspicion that I am suffering from ADD. I am absent-minded, I lose things regularly, I am incapable of spending more than a short amount of time on any one thing at once. When I play videogames, I don’t spend more than an hour at a time before literally having to come off. I read books in a matter of pages, not chapters. When I write, I rarely write more than 500 words in one sitting. I failed at NaNo because I just couldn’t sit and write for 2 hours a day.

I can’t help but wonder whether I should go to the doctor about this. It is interfering with my life, surely, but not in any way which is important. And my doctor… well let’s just say that when I went to him with insomnia his suggestion was to drink hot milk before going to bed. I had to fight to get any help at all.

I don’t want to have to do the same here.

I mean, there might not even be anything wrong with me.

I don’t know what to do.


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Goddamn Stupid Xmas

I bought a PC and it won’t even be sent until the 5th because they closed for Christmas. I paid on the 20th. What stupid company closes from the 20th December to 5th January?

I had to work 8-6 over Christmas, why can’t they package and post a PC several days before?

I don’t like Christmas that much anyway.

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This sucks

So, not only did I not get the job, but I got one point below the ones which got the job.

Sometimes I think that there’s something out to get me.

What the hell am I going to do now?

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Bad Days

And not the kind where a lot of bad things happen.

Have you ever had a day where all you want to do is alternate between curling up in a ball under your duvet and sobbing all day and rage and throw things?

A day where everything just seems too much for your frail shoulders?

Yeah, I had one of those days yesterday.

They come completely out of nowhere. One day I’m normal and stable, even. Then the next I have an overwhelming sense of dread and fear and I can’t cope with anything no matter how small. Then the next I’m normal again. It’s odd.

Yesterday, I felt overwhelmingly lonely and cried for a while when my boyfriend went to work (he works nights and went home after work last night).

The one thing I’ve noticed is that always, always, on a day like that is my hatred of living with my family always comes to the forefront. Every time, I vow I can’t live with them for much longer. He always points out that if I can do it until now I can do it for longer.

He says that I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. But how does he know? He’s not in my head. He doesn’t feel the same things I do. I’m just a weak little girl who’s trying miserably to keep going despite the chains. Or at least it feels like chains. Maybe it’s a black hole reaching it’s tendrils for me.

I am in control of nothing in my life and it’s driving me to the edge. The constant noise of my house, the lack of food, the contant running out of basic things like washing powder, shampoo and toilet roll – they’re all taking their toll. I want to be able to take control of my life but how can I? The only job that I was offered in 7 months (and was also the only one that wanted to interview me) is a temporary christmas position.

I wanted to take control at 18. I’m 20 in a month.

Why do I keep being denied the one thing I want? It’s one simple thing. I don’t care what I have to give up, really. When am I going to get the opportunity?

No wonder I’m fucking depressed. How destructive is it to want something you can’t have again?

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Critical Failures and NaNoWriMo

I haven’t got any writing done today, and I’m not even sure it’s my fault. Ever since I got up this morning the great DnD player in the sky has been rolling critical failure after critical failure.

I woke up around 6am, which is the norm for me, aiming to write until everywhere opens at half 8. Which would have been easy. Had things not gone wrong from the very beginning.

My mother woke up at the same time and threatened me about going in the front room because she was going to sleep in the back room. My computer is in the front room. I got angry and went back to my room and ended up falling asleep again, waking at half 8. When I was supposed to finish writing.

And then I went to download Open Office. The installer took an hour and a half to download. It then turned out to be corrupted.

I then went looking for a lightweight word processor, which I found and downloaded the installer for. Which also turned out to be corrupt.

Opening Notepad turned out to be fruitless as well. The laptop crashed as soon as my fingers touched the keys.

Sometimes I genuinely think that there’s something out there that wants to make my life as frustrating as possible.

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